Failed Saturday Morning TV Concepts
By Dale Dobson,

Recently declassified memos from the archives of Hanna-Barbera, Ruby-Spears, DIC, Saban and Filmation studios, as well as the major broadcast television networks, reveal the nation's preoccupations, fears and fads. Witness this list of proposed Saturday morning children's programs that never made it to the pilot stage:

Scooby-Doo: Murder in Bangkok
The Scooby Gang discovers a trail of dead prostitutes in the seedy world of Thailand's red-light district.

Saved By the Balls
A small city finds its soul, and its livelihood, through a caring Little League coach and a new recreational equipment manufacturing facility.

The Ku Klux Kidz
Whitey, Mary Lou and Bubba plot to poison Diana Ross, assassinate the Harlem Globetrotters, and promote white chocolate. But mostly they drink beer and complain.

Gigantor the Space-Age Messiah
The Second Coming of Christ accidentally lands the Savior in the body of a giant Japanese robot. Much wackiness ensues.

Mary-Kate and Ashley: Going Down
The lovable Olsen twins take jobs as elevator operators in a swanky New York City hotel.

The New Adventures of Jimmy Carter
The animated alter-ego of former President Jimmy Carter builds houses, inspires his fellow Americans, and fights super-villains with "Peanut Power!"

Captain Cokehead and the Space Junkies
This Sid and Marty Krofft production sends a misfit band of astronauts on a psychedelic trip through the Milky Way. Timothy Leary and Ken Kesey contribute scripts.

The Manson Family: 2200 A.D.
Cryogenically frozen Charlie, Squeaky, Tex and the gang spread the Revolution in a far-future society, where the White Album is the Bible and Charlie is recognized as God.

Disney's The Cockmaster
Robin Hood's beloved rooster minstrel, Alan-a-Dale, travels to the Far East and uses his martial arts skills to rob from the rich and give to the poor.

Muttley and the Low-Riders
Inner-city "Wacky Racers" spinoff pits the sniggering dog against a gang of good-hearted homies.

Flaming Faeries of Providence Island
Freddy Mercury, Elton John and the Village People lend original songs to these fantastical adventures.

Pee-Wee's Grindhouse
Paul Reubens hosts old-fashioned exploitation and propaganda cartoons, and makes spicy sausages.

Kaped Kamikazes
Plucky wannabe superheroes are willing to give up their lives to fight for Justice. New characters every week!

Mary-Kate and Ashley: Jacket Off
The lovable Olsen twins take jobs as cloakroom attendants in a swanky New York City nightclub.

reads since 10/07/2005