Many of you have expressed concern about the future direction of our organization. I ask each of you to keep the following in mind:
* Yes, it is May. Christmas is only 7 months away. Christmas is never more than 12 months away.
* Homemade cookies are good for you. We are looking into the possibility of obtaining fresh cookies from time to time, to avoid a repeat of last Thanksgiving's unfortunate digestive incidents.
* No offense or disrespect is meant when I refer to employees as "shorty," "junior," or "pint-size." These are casual terms of endearment used by my jolly old self.
* "Casual Friday" is a privilege, not a guarantee. Curly-toed shoes and pointy hats need not be worn under the more relaxed dress code. Pants are ALWAYS a necessity.
* If you don't believe in me, how can you believe in our Mission Statement?
* When an employee chooses to leave the organization, his or her adventures in civilian life are not a suitable topic for organization-wide discussion. I refer specifically to the unauthorized screenings of "MunchSkins", "Little Peephole" and "Elf Abuse Volume 3" in the cafeteria last month.
* The sleigh-loading chutes are dangerous equipment, not intended for recreational use. The same can be said for the toilets in the executive suite.
* Our stock price remains low year to year because we generate no revenue of any sort. Employees are advised to explore the available mutual fund options. IF YOU ACCEPT THE DEFAULT "CHRISTMAS STOCKING" RETIREMENT PLAN, YOU ARE AT RISK.
* Religious faith is a personal and private matter, and employees are encouraged to practice in private as each sees fit. Christmas has nothing to do with Christianity.
* The "naughty list" and "nice list" are not to be sold to or shared with direct-mail marketers or charitable organizations. All information gathered by the global Santa Surveillance Satellite System is to be used exclusively in support of Christmas Present Allocation.
I trust that together we can make this the best Christmas ever.
Ho, ho, ho