Lessons The Television Has Taught Me
By Dale Dobson, www.daledobson.com

* If someone catches your eye, they will become a significant part of your life for at least 30 minutes.

* Your spouse is either A) loving and permanent, so that nothing you do will ever piss them off enough to leave; B) endowed with magical powers; or C) dead, leaving you with one or more children.

* If you've finished a task, but there's still 10 minutes left to get it done, you only THINK you're done. Unforeseen complications will arise, but fear not, it will still be completed on schedule.

* Gay people always have a terrific sense of humor.

* No brand-name product ever sucks.

* If you receive a package, you will not immediately know what it is, who it came from or why you have received it.

* Any problem can be solved within 30 or 60 minutes, unless it is of national importance, in which case 24 hours will suffice.

* If someone you know suddenly looks and sounds completely different, nobody else will notice this, and you shouldn't say anything either.

* Nobody ever uses the "F word."

* When someone tells you to "call this number," they won't say the phone number out loud, but instead will cause it to appear suspended in mid-air in large, glowing letters.

* If not enough people are paying attention to you, you will get married, have a baby, or die.

* Friends and neighbors have a habit of just wandering into your living room whenever you've finished a conversation with someone else.

* When you say something that's sort of funny but not really, you'll have a sense that somewhere, somebody is laughing out loud, and you'll pause before continuing.

* If you spend more than one hour with someone, chances are that person is a counterfeiting drug-addicted lying ex-convict psycho killer with a terrible secret.

* When someone says they will be right back, they mean you will be accosted by loud salespeople for three minutes.

* If you're investigating a crime, there's always one guy who knows who did it, but the perpetrator will get to him just before he tells you.

* Nothing changes for longer than 30 minutes. Good news, bad news, the status quo will be maintained.

* When an evil scheme fails, all possible variations and improvements on that scheme will be completely ignored and discarded by the perpetrator.

* If someone you've never seen before shows up amongst your friends or co-workers, that person will be dead within five minutes.

reads since 10/16/2005